Holding on For You - My Bravery Assignment 4/01/10

"You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships every day. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity." Epicurus was wise in saying so. It's not easy for most to endure, just as it is not easy for some to let another person in. It takes courage for many people to trust and let their guard down. I am one of these people.

I come from a large family. My mother had six children, three with her ex-husband and three with my father. Of the five other children, I only consider three of them family. Almost 14 years ago, my mother’s oldest child ran away from home. To this day I still do not know her. She has made contact with me a few times and has been talking to my mother for a few years now, but I do not know who she is. I don’t even reply to her texts. She is now in her 20’s and lives in New York where she was born and where she returned to when she left. My mother’s only son has ADHD and has always used it as an excuse for his self. He too lives in New York. He finished high school through the special education program and has not gone to college. His behavior was always horrid and inexcusable. Because I could not trust and confide in my own siblings, it caused me to fear trusting anyone at all. My older sister, Amber, was always out of the house. She had friends, a boy friend and a job. She didn’t want to spend her time doing nothing when she could have a life.

I can allow others to get close to me but I still try to distance myself. Amber has come to trust me a lot. She opens up to me without me asking her questions. She tells me about her fears, problems, excitements, even issues with her coworkers or about not knowing when or if she can love a certain guy. I know most of her friends as well as every boy friend she ever had. I know her high school stories and the problems she faced as a child due to numerous surgeries she had undergone. Still, I confine myself to my own thoughts and feelings.

There are different reasons in doing so. Sometimes I feel as if I’m turning nothing into something much larger than it really is. Sometimes I just don’t want to talk. Yet the largest reason, dismayed as I am to admit it, is courage. I have lacked the courage to leave my comfort zone. Well, I had lacked the courage for a while. I can talk to my best friend about most anything, though sometimes I still feel uncomfortable with the idea of trusting others. Yet, I don’t regret letting my guard down. I have allowed myself to come to the conclusion that fear is a large issue, but once I push my fear aside and overcome it, the reassurance I have gained from it is larger.

Even if I do not get where I want to be by facing my fears, I have made it that much farther than I would have had I not faced my fear at all. Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.” I believe he was absolutely correct. You can lose nothing in facing your fear except for the fear you have just faced. Courage can be used 24/7 to make us better people. However, we have to welcome courage. We must accept it and let it help build us. If not, where have we gotten?