By Hand

The goose bumps

On my skin

Are from my soul

Trying to find an exit

From this tattered and street-scarred body

                              No escape is found

As my pen begins to move

Finding an exit

With words written by my hand.

-Jason Yurcic (Voice of My Heart)

I go through my days...

I go through my days

Feeling the craze that I have started

Live life in a daze

Bless the dearly departed

Life clearly uncharted

And you can go in any direction

I choose the gutter I guess 'cause it feels like an infection

Has come over my brain

Try to find love but only end up with pain

I feel the shame

In my soul from the sin that I spread

Some people think it's cool

But I'm better off dead than to be hurting anyone

Sooner or later they'll point the gun

Many have tried before

When will I die? I can't take it anymore

Let downs or frowns instead of smiles

Bad memories I've got piles and piles

Could build a dam to block the Nile

A fool with my heart beautiful women I defile

It's nothing to proud of

Trapped in a cloud of ignorant deeds

To free myself I follow creeds

The Buddah now leads me on my path

Wish I could make a dash to freedom

Gonna write a book and hope to lead the young

From the pain I've seen

If you write rules and read them you'll come out clean

I've been so mean with caring hearts

Love is a balloon

And I'm like darts

Pop

There goes another one

Pop

The stitches that hold my heart together have come undone

Live life for fun

But now I see the illusion

My heart beats hard but I suffer contusions

My decisions have left me in prisons

In my soul

God help me control my impulses

I speak truth and not falsehoods

My pulse quickens with the thought of death

But I can make it

I'll just take a deep breath

In

Out

-Jason Yurcic (Voice of My Heart)

I'm like...

Dynamite ready to explode

Or implode

'Cause I'm full of anger

Everyone's in danger

Stranger even to myself

Sneaky like stealth

I explore the wealth

Of a mind deep like Pluto

Kick like judo

Smoke like Macanudo

No jokes

I'm not a comedian

Or a vegetarian

More like humanitarian

In sheep's clothing

Jealousy produces loathing

I break molds

No form quite like me

Far from norm

Warm

I shine like sun

Rhyme for fun

Not me

Roll smooth like sea

Or better yet ocean

In a hearse or a Vette

Faithful devotion

Maintained

Like country clubs

Bear cubs

My words are fierce

Maul like Kodiak

Heart stops like cardiac

Arrest

My chest holds sacred heart

My art displayed like Van Gogh

I'm made not to show

My emotion

Soothing like lotion

Lyric like locomotion

It's full stream ahead

I'm said to be unpredictable

Invincible not my body

Invisible my soul shines infinitely

Lines of divinity

Pour from pen like Niagra

Viagra not me

Mind fully erect

Expecting tragedy

But I'm ready

To roll with heavy metal

Like infantry

No Medal of Honor but Purple Heart

Unsung soldier clothed by Wal-Mart

-Jason Yurcic (Voice of My Heart)

Anger is...

A volcano
Yearning to erupt inside
Adrenaline lava
That blurs my eyes
Creating mountains of raging fire beneath the crust.
Ash covers the sky,
Covers my dreams,
The sun
Muffled by my screams.

-Jason Yurcic (Voice of My Heart)

Broken Heart

A life of held-back tears
Stored in me like cold spikes
At Jesus' feet and hands
Create in my chest
Dull vibes
Similar to a closed fist beating me down to hell
Each step I take in any direction
The pain churns
Suffocating my throat.
My eyes puff and venom squeezes through every pore
Hatred for my fate
And the life that God doomed me to live.
Everyday,
The hatred for me
And the world
Strangles me slowly,
Bit by bit,
Breath by breath.

-Jason Yurcic (Voice of My Heart)

Serrated Words

Im open again...

Just waiting...

Waiting for the anger to stop
Waiting for the pain to subside
But the wait has been prolonged once more

You see,
Your words tear at me
Like a knife that's just been sharpened

Each word breaks the flesh
Hurting more than a fist in the face
Or a knee to the stomach

But does it make you feel better?

Because we can sit here all day
Severing what's left of our connection
Word by word by bitter word

We can spend our life time
Spitting keen daggers at each other
But the anger is not going to disappear

So why do we do it?

It's not me you're angry with
Nor is it I who is angry with you

Yet it is each other we rip apart
With the serrated edges of our tongues

Still the swords continue to fly

They've been flying for so long
You've forgotten who you're really mad at

You don't want to hurt
So you thrust your words into anyone
Who makes you feel threatned

Well guess what!?

That has a chain effect

Now we're both expectorating our pain in the wrong directions
Wounding each other without physical contact
Anticipating the day the wounds mend into scars

Until then, we'r e both open...

Just waiting...

My Light

My ears are pierced by silence

With heavy breaths

I call out your name

But no response

Comes my way

My body surrenders to sadistic convulsions

The panic attack begins

The opening to my air way is sealed

My eyes reluctantly fasten themselves shut

I see an endless tunnel but there’s no light at the end

Tears rage across my cold face

I feel them soak my pillow

Each tear has its own story embodied in itself

This one’s for you

This one’s for love

This one’s for anger

This one’s for shame

And this one…

This one’s for myself

I heed your voice breaking through the silence

It forces me to smile through the tears

Suddenly the convulsions subside

My air way liberates

And my eyes surface to you

You are my light

My Sophomore Year (Final Exam)

I don’t want to be the person who hardly finishes high school not knowing how they made it through. I also don’t want to be the person who graduates high school academically smart, but has no clue how to deal with the adversity of life. I’ve made the decision not to be that person. High school is about more than having a good GPA and lettering in extracurricular activities. What can we really learn? Not just from the teachers, but from mistakes, achievements, and let downs? Teachers are not the only means of learning.

I spent the beginning of my sophomore year devoting all of my passion and energy to cheer, tennis, and ROTC. I kept my grades up at first but midyear they began to fall. My grades weren’t slipping because I just didn’t care or because I was too involved. My grades suffered because I gave up. I didn’t understand math, chemistry was a little challenging, and I had absolutely no interest in world history. The work was hard, long, and boring. It took extra effort on my part for me to focus and I felt I was wasting my time. I didn’t want to care. When I started pretending I didn’t care, my teachers quit asking questions. It made it that much easier to get away without doing work. I thought it was too late to try. It was pointless. I did away with my math tutoring at lunch and never bothered to look at my homework. I didn’t learn how to balance equations or find the surface area of a cone. I didn’t learn how to effectively use a Persian chart to understand historical events. So what did I learn? It took me long enough, but when I opened my eyes I saw that giving up didn’t make anything easier. I felt “stupid” and disappointed in myself. Giving up was hurting me academically and socially. My social life revolved around sports and if I don’t have a decent GPA I cannot compete or even participate. I learned that it’s never too late to try. Every day is another chance to correct our previous mistakes.

Upon discovering that I had to try if I wanted to go somewhere in life, I became more aggressive in sports and activities. I worked a little more at my grades so that I could pass, but all the anger I felt and had nothing to do with; I turned it in to passion. My passion for cheer and ROTC became stronger. I commanded first year cadets into an overall 5th place in a varsity state drill meet, and I got to know and understand my cadets better. I acquired my standing and running backhand spring and performed it in front of a large crowd of people at cheer state competition. What’s the big deal, right? This taught me courage to move forward and try again. I wasn’t scared to get back up no matter how many times I fell physically or mentally. I gained discipline and I learned how to respect the differences I shared with others. It wasn’t easy. I had my disputes with other cadets and I literally fell on my face multiple times learning how to tumble. Still, I got up and shot for the moon. I may have landed on a star but the moon is that much closer now.

I aimed at the moon, knowing it was higher than I could reach. I was disheartened at the thought of never being able to stretch far enough to reach it. I hadn’t tried to take things step by step. I could leap thirty feet up but the moon was a hundred. I thought I was letting myself down. I thought I was letting my friends, family, and coaches down…I wasn’t. Gunny told our platoons, “Shoot for the moon. If you miss you’ll land in the stars, but you’ll have one hand on the moon pulling you back up.” He was right. I learned ambition only dies if you let it die. Nothing is ever too far of a stretch. I learned that I can use those stars as steps and climb my way up to the moon. That’s exactly what I’ll do.

My sophomore year was full of lessons. I learned a lot. Maybe not academically, but you need more than academics to persevere. These lessons that bear themselves before me now will always be a part of me. They are not things I will soon forget. It’s not ok to let your academics sufferer just because you are learning life lessons. Next year I’m going to be a better student, but I’m also going to continue to seek the lessons that can’t be taught in text books and class activities. I’m creating a better me because I learned how to do this my sophomore year.

My Anything Blog - Storm Inside Us

The rain falls. It started gently but now it’s crashing on our roof top like ten thousands rocks dropping from the sky. The wind is blowing, wrapping me in its bitter embrace as I sit on the roof of this two story building. My tears mix with the rain. I close my eyes and let the next tear roll. I can hear the thunder boom relentlessly in my ear. I open my eyes to the luminous lightning streaking the sky, watching patiently as the dark clouds devour the moon. The frigid air tranquilizes me and I surrender to my own thoughts connecting this climate to our own feelings. This is the connection:

Like a small child scared of the weathers tirade, we run to our safe place. Mama can’t kiss away the fear this time. Pain rages inside us like thunder. Tears streak our face like lightning across the midnight sky. Similar to the wind, we wrap ourselves in the bitter embrace of life, just pondering what’s next. Someone offers a helping hand but we ignore it. In the same manner in which the dark clouds devoured the moon, we shield our emotions from them. The world goes still. We are tranquilized by the atmosphere around us. The questioning…so many questions. The why ‘s and the how’s, you know, the questions that can never really be answered. Everything we feel has built up under the surface. Still, we reach a point where we cannot contain this anymore. It swirls akin to a tornado, destroying us from the inside out. It obliterates us because we let it. We can find shelter from our own storms, but we chose not to. Counselors, friends, family….these are our trees. They shade us when the sun is too hot for us to bear. Still we run away. We run into the storm, fearless, headstrong, and uncaring of what will happen. Why? Why do we make this choice when it tears us down? We hope it will restore us. We trust that it will construct a stronger, better us. But…What if it doesn’t? What if it’s too late? What if all our trees have somehow strayed? We don’t know how long this storm will last. We don’t know how long our trees of support will stand. Yet we linger inside of our storms for the longest time, anticipating the grand finale. Are there going to be fireworks at the end of our endeavor? Probably not. We know there are other storms rolling in. What we don’t know is the extent of brutality the next storm will bring. However, we know whatever it is there is no avoiding it. Maybe that’s why we dive head first into all that we must endure. But every storm must come to a standstill sooner or later right? And every person has a similar storm they have or will abide. So why do we do it alone? We don’t have to. We shouldn’t. As for myself, I’m not going to any longer. I’ve found my rock, my shelter, my tree of support. I have a firm grasp on it too. She’s not strayed nor has she tried, and I know together we can withstand any storm.

Wisdom Quote and Essay Assignment

“To confine your emotions is asking for explosion. To cover your emotions is asking for confusion. To feel your emotions is to have enough wisdom to acknowledge that you can only defer the feeling and make it worse or deal with it in an appropriate manner. You cannot change it.”

It is hard to let yourself feel the emotions you are actually experiencing. Many times we pretend like the emotion is not there. We make ourselves numb. Other times we lie to ourselves about what we feel. For example, we get angry at the world so others won’t see the fear that lies inside. Neither of these are healthy for you or the people around you.

Countless times I have hid my emotions in hopes that no one would know what I was truly feeling. Countless times I have seen loved ones hide their feelings in hopes no one would know what they were truly feeling. It doesn’t work. After a while, you begin to feel emotionless like a robot. As time progress you start to feel again but this time you’ve added to the emotions. For me it was anger. Anger for lying to myself knowing sooner or later it would no longer work. Still, sometimes people make themselves feel a different emotion in place of what they are really feeling.

Lying to yourself about your emotions doesn’t help either. It actually makes you a meaner person. You start to get angry. You get angry that no one understands or cares, but you’ve hid the emotions so that there is nothing for them to understand. You get angry at yourself and at the world. When you get really angry you start to take it out on other people. You get rude for no reason or shut them out and ignore them. This is not healthy for you or the person who is being shut out.

This is where wisdom comes into play. We must learn when and how to show our feelings. If it is not the appropriate time to express our emotions then we must know how to feel what were feeling without showing it and/or letting it affect the given situation. This is not an easy skill to acquire nor is it one many obtain. Nevertheless, it is important to have wisdom when it comes to our own emotions. You don’t want to become numb or constantly trick yourself into feeling something totally different from what you really feel. This can make you confused and closed. You also don’t want to display the wrong emotions at the wrong times. This is why it is critical to obtain wisdom on your emotions. In order to do so we must first get to know ourselves. We have to know how we show and react to certain emotions. If you do not know how you currently deal with the adversity and inconvenience of some emotions then you cannot change the way you deal with them for the future.

Quote on Life

“Enough is never enough. To think that enough is enough is to give up. To give up is to throw away a potential chapter of your life’s book. If you throw away a chapter the book is never complete. Giving up means living your life in several short stories instead of living it in one novel.”  - Angelica Martinez

Person For a day Assignment - I Wish to be...

Sometimes we reach that point in our lives where we wish we could be another person. Many people wish to be that famous pop star the paparazzi love, the actress others of the opposite sex are always talking about, or the Olympian who takes the gold at every meet. I wish to be something different ….someone different. I wish to temporarily be the homeless man on the corner. Yes, the one you mock and put down. I wish to be him.

I wish to be that “hobo” that teaches us how to love. The man who has been hurt so many times yet still has the strength to smile at those who pass by, even those who do not stop to offer money, food, or a helping hand. I want to learn how to love unconditionally the way he has learned to do. I want to learn how to love those who pay no attention to the desperate cries and outreaches around us. To love not only those who love you, but also the ones who despise you is a beautiful and amazing gift that is hard to acquire. No one knows how to love the people who throw their mistakes in their face and mock their debilities. It is obtained through life lessons.

I wish to be the man who lost everything he once lived for and still finds reason to live. The man who shows that being strong is about much more than our own decisions and self control. He is the person who will show me how to find to the hope that I thought was lost. He is the person who will teach me to find courage in that dark alley to sleep there, and the audacity to hold that sign and collect the money from the giving souls. This “hobo” is the man who will train me on how to forfeit my own pride and greed to feed the mouths of the children, mothers, and fathers that are no longer capable of doing so themselves.

I wish to be a homeless man because the homeless man is the preacher. He is the spiritually tough man who finds God in the dark alleys where he made his bed from a box. He is the one on the street holding that piece of cardboard asking God to bless you. It asks God to bless you who returned his weary smile. It asks God to bless you who handed him the spare change in your vehicle. Furthermore, it asks God to bless you who pretended not to see him as you sat next him at the red light anticipating the moment when the green light freed you.

I don’t want to be a pop star. I don’t want to be an actress or an Olympian. I don’t even want to be homeless. What I do want is to trade places with the homeless man. I want to experience his struggles and hardships. I want to endure what he suffered in order to acquire the unconditional love, the strength and courage, and the spirituality I saw in his eyes when he asked God to bless us. A night of hunger and sleeping under a bridge…I would tolerate this if it would teach me the lessons and give me the strength many fail to acknowledge.

End of Silence - Extra Credit (Hiroshima/Nagasaki Bombing Assignment)

Silence breaking
Lives ending
Explosions taking place

Don’t let it phase you
Dear Japan
Hiroshima preserved your existence

Sweet Nagasaki
Open your eyes
Because tomorrow they’ll be eternally shut

Kokura and Niigata
Beseech us on your knees
For you are the alternate choices

“Enola Gay”, lay upon Hiroshima your kiss of death
And “Little Boy”, oh beloved uranium, wrap them in your embrace
Convince Hirohito to stop our tirade

But “Bockscar” and “Fat Man”, should those two fail
Take Nagasaki under your wing
Surely Hirohito will be persuaded by you and the 135,000 lives you have claimed

Betrayal Essay Assignment

Like many things, there are several types of betrayal. We can betray a loved one, friend, family member, or even a stranger. A person can betray love itself, a promise, their word, and expectations. Furthermore, people can betray themselves. To betray ourselves is one of worse types of betrayal. When we betray ourselves, we have betrayed those who we have allowed our fictitious selves to become accustomed to.

Friday I attended a leadership in the Monzano Mountains. During this three day period I allowed two things to happen: I did not eat and I allowed myself to break down with the rest of the cadets when I should have been the one to console them. Now breaking down, to the other cadets, was not a big deal because the only ones in the room who didn’t cry were the camp instructors. However, not eating was a bigger deal even though I did not feel hungry.

The first night we had a seminar session where each cadet came up one by one and discussed emotional topics causing us to feel anger, shame, sadness, hurt, and fear. We consoled each other as a team of 50 cadets from different schools. While everyone felt some things different and some things the same, I mostly felt different things. I felt weakened by the sight of myself breaking down in front of eight of the cadets I am supposed to lead and support. I felt like I’d betrayed all of the cadets I should have been consoling. Fed by all of this, I felt self betrayal. I felt like crying in front of others defied my own beliefs. This was against my personal morals. This was the first time at Leadership Challenge Camp that I had felt like I’d betrayed myself and my team mates.

At chow time shortly after I arrived in the mountains, I ate only an apple to keep my sugar levels up. I did not feel hungry. We completed several events, all which required energy. Among these were trust falls, rope courses, running, marching, and team games. Chow time came again. This time it was dinner. Still not hungry, I gave my tray of food to a few of the cadets sitting at the table next to mine. We completed several other events and I stood watch on my shift from 0200 to 0400 (2-4am). One of the girls from Rio Grande brought up her concern to me and offered me a snack. I explained to her that I was not hungry but I would eat if I felt the need. When chow time came around for breakfast four hours after my watch, I was still not hungry. Several of my team mates tried to convince me to eat but I would not. We complete many physically demanding events and reported back to chow for lunch where another cadet told the instructor about my eating habits that weekend. Mr. Linsenbert asked a series of questions trying to understand why I did not feel hungry. I told him I had been drinking lemonade and apple cider to keep my sugar levels up but I just wasn’t hungry. At this point I started to realize the concern I was causing was not just to one other cadet. I had not yet realized I was betraying myself and 49 other cadets though. This did not happen until Mr. Linsenbert took my name and school. I was so busy trying to persuade others that I was really ok and did not feel hungry that I didn’t see how stubborn and irresponsible I was being. These are two very important traits a leader must acquire before the followers can gain trust in them. Sunday around lunch time at chow, I was still not hungry but I forced myself to eat a small amount so as to ease the concern of others and show that I did understand the changes that needed to be made in myself as a leader.

There are 11 principles and fourteen traits a Marine Corps leader must obtain. The principles are as follows:

1.Be technically and tactically proficient.

2.Know yourself and seek self- improvement.

3.Know your men and look out for their welfare.

4.Keep your men informed.

5.Set the example.

6. Insure that the task is understood, supervised, and accomplished.
7.Train your men as a team.

8.Make sound and timely decisions.

9.Develop a sense of responsibility among your subordinates.

10.Employ your command in accordance with its capabilities.

11.Seek responsibility and take responsibility for your actions.

In my self betrayal and the betrayal of the cadets on my behalf, I was able to learn and put into play principles 5, 9, 10, and 11. While these are not the only ones I used they were most helpful during the time period of my not eating.

The leadership traits are:

1.Integrity

2.Knowledge

3.Courage

4.Decisiveness

5.Dependability

6.Initiative

7.Tact

8.Justice

9.Enthusiasm

10.Bearing

11.Endurance

12.Unselfishness

13.Loyalty

14.Judgment

At the Leadership Challenge Camp I failed to use traits 1, 3, 5, 6, 8, 10, 12, 13, and 14 while I betrayed myself and my team mates.

Nevertheless, there is almost always a positive not to everything. Though I made these small mistakes, one raising more of a concern, I was able to come to know myself and seek self improvement as well as take away more knowledge. Using this principle and trait I acquired more of each of the other leadership characteristics and make myself a better person and a better leader. My cadets and I all learned more about each other at this camp and are now much closer thanks to the seminar session that caused us all to lose bearing and break down in front of one another. We all experienced both good and bad leadership and learned from everyone’s mistakes and accomplishments. All 50 cadets were given a chip and asked to give it to someone they would follow. There were 10 cadets left with a chip, meaning there were 10 cadets who one or more of the 50 cadets saw strong leadership in. All 10 of these cadets were asked to stand. I was one of them. Three of them were from my platoon. I then realized, sometimes betrayal is one of those mistakes that have to be made before improvement and insight can be drawn to the surface and worked at. Before this camp I betrayed myself by lying to myself about what I saw every time I looked in the mirror. Now, I have awakened to reality and am more willing to fix my flaws.

Forged Love

Shaking starts and breathing stops
Trust is gone and hope is lost

Wrought by pain no longer numbed

With bleeding wounds I smile for you
Knowing you still see every penetration

I was headed towards your sweet embrace

But the cross was too heavy, I was too weak
Countless times I've stumbled the opposite way

Your hands were extended

Both providing great help

One carried me, the other my cross

I dove into your heart

Fearless and anxious

I had no idea love could be so different

Different from what I lacked

Different from what I'd felt

Yet different in a good way

I never thought I need someone
Someone to show me what love really is
But now I understand that what I'd felt before
That was not love

You've made a humble stone beat once more

And gave me a valid reason to endure

Shaking stops and breathing starts

Trust is established and hope is found

Forged by love in it's own new name

Movie Proposal Assignment

Renesmee Carlie Cullen is a new character introduced to us in Breaking Dawn. As a Twilight fan my proposal to Summit Entertainment is to continue the latest part of this saga. Bella has already been altered to be a vampire. We know Renesmee is not human as well and Jacob has imprinted on her. This new episode should expand on the roads traveled by Renesmee and Jacob. Renesmee does not want Jacob to imprint on her, but Jacob cannot help it. Bella’s parents find out about Renesmee but the two parents feel differently about her. Even so, Renesmee somehow manages to pull Bella’s parents back together. Renee leaves her boyfriend to remarry Charlie, and together the two explore the world of Vampires and Werewolves. More dangerous than that, they explore the world of the Vulturi. The Vulturi have their own powers. We already know one special member can read everything going through a characters mind and see the truth…everyone except for Bella that is. The Vulturi pay the Cullen family another visit to check on the promise of Bella’s transformation. However, upon verifying the validity of their words, the Vulturi learn of Renesmee’s birth and the knowledge Bella’s parents have obtained. The Cullen’s spend much time fighting to keep the parents hidden while the Vulturi discuss this matter in private. Furthermore, they strategize how to use their individual powers as a family to ward off the Vulturi. The will to survive cannot defeat them. The Vulturi return but the “Cold One’s” and Quileute’s” have united to demolish the Vulturi. In their success, the Cullen family takes over power and keeps a just law among all breeds of vampires. Though the Cullen’s are satisfied with their success, Renesmee now faces nightmares and fear of others. This causes behavioral issues that are not easy to settle. While some vampires are thankful for this change, others are outraged. This puts Renesmee’s life in danger. Bella’s parents must become vampires in order to protect their granddaughter. In the process of this, Charlie fights a fatal battle. He loses his life for Renesmee which causes great anger in all of the family. Bella, Edward, Rene, and even Renesmee seek revenge. It is up to Carlisle and Esmee to calm them down. The pressure brings Esmee to a very emotional state. This leave Carlisle, Emette, Jasper, Rosalie, and Alice to take care of the angered family while Esmee is away trying to breathe. The opposing vampires take this to their advantage. Esmee is captured and used to draw the Cullen family out of hiding. Will the family fall into this trap? Will they be strong enough to win this fight? Is Esmee hurt by the opposing vampires? Will this cause further problems in the family relationships? Does Renesmee regain control of her own behavior? This is the suspense the viewers will experience as they anticipate yet another episode of the saga. The new episode will leave viewers on the edge of their seats as they experience the fear, romance, and loyalty that have been laid out before them. There are hard decisions to be made in this episode, but they are made. Each other is all that they have and all that live for. After all, “When you can live forever, what do you live for?”

Wonderland

I've been living in a wonderland

Made specially for me

My wonderland lives in a part of reality

Where only I can see

Your lies do not exist here

And the truth no longer hurts

My perfect little wonderland

Was fictitiously inert

But reality has awakened me

I've left my jolly dream

And all else seems to fail again

So you use your last breath just to scream

I'm stretching for your hand

But you're too far out of reach

Yet even this can't make you understand

How to practice what you preach

Time Travel Assignment

Most everyone talks about how they wish they could go back in time and change things. We often don't think about the cause and effect in doing so. I would not change anything if I could travel in time. There are reasons for things happening the way they do and those things that could have been prevented provide important lessons for us. Whether or not we choose to accept these lessons and learn from them is up to no one but ourselves. Changing the past means a change in the future too.

There are always things that happen in life that make people wish they could go back in time. We wish could change or erase the past. Many times it’s hard to accept our own hardships. It’s also hard to share them with others. If I had changed my parents past there would be lessons they may have never learned that may or may not be crucial to them. The decisions they make and the lessons they learned have been passed on to my sisters and I. Selfish as it may sound, because of my parents past there are difficult lessons that were taught to me without me feeling the way they did when they had to learn it the hard way.

I would love to take away all the hurt my parents felt as they grew older and experienced life. Both my parents were divorced prior to marrying each other. My father married at 18 while already serving in the army. Complications with his ex-wife contributed to his department from the Army. She was also the reason he did not attend West Point. My mother’s ex-husband was a nightmare. She was not treated the way she deserved and neither were her three kids. However, if I went back in time and corrected that for them, my sisters and I would not be here today. Because my father’s military career was ended and both of my parent’s first marriages were ended, I exist as well as my two beautiful younger sisters. Also, my parents have learned their own life lessons that are now able to pass on to us.

My parents had three children together. I was my father’s first child and my mother’s fourth. Had my mother never met my father she would have never had my younger sister, Nina. If my mom had not had Nina she would not have had the chance to say goodbye to her mother. My mom’s mother came to live with us a few years ago. My mom was away at work when Nina discovered my grandmother dying in the bedroom they shared. My sister called my mother who thought things were ok. She thought my grandmother was just asleep. Nina had to call 9-1-1 who talked her through CPR. Though her chest compressions were not strong enough to help, she called the emergency number just in time. They were able to restart my grandmother’s heart several times. Each time gave my mother longer to get home. My mother having Nina allowed her the opportunity to say goodbye to her own mother.

If I changed the past, the present would not be here. This would cause a change in the future. While some things may flourish due to the changes, I think most things would suffer. All the same, if I changed the past I would know what I am missing from the present and I would be the cause of it. If I had a time traveling machine I would not make use of it because the chain line of cause and effect is better left undisturbed.

Holding on For You - My Bravery Assignment 4/01/10

"You don't develop courage by being happy in your relationships every day. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity." Epicurus was wise in saying so. It's not easy for most to endure, just as it is not easy for some to let another person in. It takes courage for many people to trust and let their guard down. I am one of these people.

I come from a large family. My mother had six children, three with her ex-husband and three with my father. Of the five other children, I only consider three of them family. Almost 14 years ago, my mother’s oldest child ran away from home. To this day I still do not know her. She has made contact with me a few times and has been talking to my mother for a few years now, but I do not know who she is. I don’t even reply to her texts. She is now in her 20’s and lives in New York where she was born and where she returned to when she left. My mother’s only son has ADHD and has always used it as an excuse for his self. He too lives in New York. He finished high school through the special education program and has not gone to college. His behavior was always horrid and inexcusable. Because I could not trust and confide in my own siblings, it caused me to fear trusting anyone at all. My older sister, Amber, was always out of the house. She had friends, a boy friend and a job. She didn’t want to spend her time doing nothing when she could have a life.

I can allow others to get close to me but I still try to distance myself. Amber has come to trust me a lot. She opens up to me without me asking her questions. She tells me about her fears, problems, excitements, even issues with her coworkers or about not knowing when or if she can love a certain guy. I know most of her friends as well as every boy friend she ever had. I know her high school stories and the problems she faced as a child due to numerous surgeries she had undergone. Still, I confine myself to my own thoughts and feelings.

There are different reasons in doing so. Sometimes I feel as if I’m turning nothing into something much larger than it really is. Sometimes I just don’t want to talk. Yet the largest reason, dismayed as I am to admit it, is courage. I have lacked the courage to leave my comfort zone. Well, I had lacked the courage for a while. I can talk to my best friend about most anything, though sometimes I still feel uncomfortable with the idea of trusting others. Yet, I don’t regret letting my guard down. I have allowed myself to come to the conclusion that fear is a large issue, but once I push my fear aside and overcome it, the reassurance I have gained from it is larger.

Even if I do not get where I want to be by facing my fears, I have made it that much farther than I would have had I not faced my fear at all. Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “The only thing you have to fear is fear itself.” I believe he was absolutely correct. You can lose nothing in facing your fear except for the fear you have just faced. Courage can be used 24/7 to make us better people. However, we have to welcome courage. We must accept it and let it help build us. If not, where have we gotten?

Courage- Images